a sleepless night, a day to remember.

it started out as a good day at madrasah.

very fun indeed.. i feel that the ALIVE programme is really interesting.
however.. the students are.. too much.. ALIVE..
haha..yeah.. my classmate juan was screaming all the way during recess.. xD
lol.. very fun..very fun..

then after that.. waited at home..

waited for..?

hah..

you see.. i have this voucher that was given to me on my birthday last year..
and..the thing is..i forgot about it and i found it a few days ago..
laying under old books and paper..
so.. i checked the due date.. 13th feb 2011..

TWO MORE DAYS TO SPEND $40 worth of voucher?!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO BUY?! I HAVE GOT NOTHING ON MY MIND....
i turned to mum.. she was angry because only left 2 more days and she was not free..
i went to dad..the same reason..
same goes for my lil ones..

I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO..
if i buy something i dont need.. i would just be wasting this right?

so.. i decided to put it to good use..
giving it to 'arifah.

at first she was quite stubborn.. xD (she always is.. <3)
but then i realised that she needed to get herself new pair of shoes for school.
so..why not? i gave the voucher to her..
yet she refused to accept it..
so.. we went looking for shoes at wlnds coz vivo dont have sportslink shop.. =_= (my bad)

and we went looking for shoes.. and wow.. shoes are $100+? xD
40 bucks aint enough..

so.. we set our eyes on a different target..
getting her a new bag.. since she told me that she only owned two bags..(others are from her sisters)
so.. yeah.. found a really cool purple bag which really suited her..

the only thing i could describe it is..WOW..
it was a purple puma bag.. plain but nifty.. =)

so we decided to purchase the bag.. skali check check the price 69 bucks..
waduuhh..
nevermind.. i paid for her first..then after that she could repay me back..


which leads me waiting for 3pm the next day..after 'arifah finished her madrasah..
so that we could get her the bag..
check check TWO OF MY VOUCHERS WERE ONLY VALID FOR A SPECIFIC ITEM...
WADUUUUHHH...cekik darah betul!!
since there was no other ways of payment..
no choice but to use my lovely DBS card.. xD

and bought for my lil sister some shirts with the other two vouchers.. =_=

after that.. bought ice cream and blablabla..

this is where things took a turn for the worst..

recently, i've applied through this DAE at RP..
and whats sad is.. that.. it was unsuccessful..
just like the other excercises..
i was soo sad..
and then..
when i told mom..she scolded me..

after that.. i kept quiet all the way home..

but just when i thought things couldnt get anymore worse..it did.

i saw a post from 'arifah saying : its gone.

that moment i knew that it had something to do with the bag i bought for her earlier today..
then, thats when she msged me to confirm my fears..

turns out that her mum not only took the bag.. she also took away a bear i got 'arifah on my first trip to universal studios..( a very precious gift from me)
i was extremely devastated when i heard that.. and she said that she loved it soo much and she cried..

i felt totally useless.. but i still tried to console her..
however.. through the message.. i felt as though her self esteem plunged way low..
lower than i could ever imagine..
i couldnt believe it..
it was soo heartbreaking for me to see her in that state..

i knew why her mom took away those the things i got her.. she sees me as a nuisance..
an underling worthless of her daughter's affection and time..
im a low-life..incapable of getting what she desires..
a fool, wasting his efforts on her daughter..

i dont blame her.. infact.. mothers are very defensive when it comes to daughters..
however.. her actions are in a way intolerable.. but i still understand.

its just that.. it makes my blood boil when i know that my effort and time is wasted like that..
im not blaming anyone.. or maybe the blame is on me because eversince i confessed that im in love with her..
her life got miserable..
coz everytime i wanna go out with her.. her mom disapproves.. when i get her a present..her mom didnt like it..

im sorry.. =( i really truely am..

and at times.. i feel that.. if it really makes her life better..i would stay out of her life..
so that her life with her family prospers.. and not get worse because of me..

right now, my self esteem is at it lowest thinking about where i am gonna end up..
and what my future is..

my heart slowly crumbles under the pressure..
tears slowly flood my eyes and drench my cheeks..
i write this entry with my whole heart..

i did it for 'arifah.

if her mom thinks im just a low-life incapable of being with her daughter..
i'll prove her wrong..
i'll prove her very wrong..

I WILL GET MY DEGREE...IF IT KILLS ME......
I WIILLL GET MY DEGREE...I DONT CARE...
INSYALLAH..I WILL GET MY DEGREE..

ya ALLAH, tolonglah.. berikanku semangat untuk melalui masa yang gelap ini..terangkanlah hatiku dan tunjukkanlah jalan yang ku sepatutnya ambil..

'arifah says that her mom took everything away from her which i gave her..
no..
she didnt take everything..


she didnt take away the love.

i believe her mother's intention of doing so is good..
however.. it was taking it to the extreme..

now.. the items that she loves most..the items that i poured my heart and soul in.. is in her mother's grasp..

i have no idea what she is going to do with it..
but pray that its not what i think is it..

i pray to ALLAH that those items are out of harm's way and will return back to 'arifah someday..
insyallah..

amin.


with all the sadness of today..

my strength to face tomorrow grows weaker..
my confidence is slowly draining..

BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP NOW..

i need to stay strong..

i know that actions speak louder than words..
but trust me..
this year...
my actions..
are gonna ROAR...

i love you 'arifah.


everything will be ok.. you will get those items back..
insyallah..

please keep your esteem high dear.. you need to be strong!


awoosh out.